Cover Art

John Haber
in New York City

Hot Gossip from Haberarts

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck announced today that they were indefinitely postponing their next appearance on Page Six of the New York Post.

In a move that shocked gossip columnists, the couple apologized personally to their legions of stupid fans, especially the guy who parks both Ms. Lopez's sports cars. "I mean, I understand totally, like, what he must feel," she said. "I used to read it, too, or at least look at the pictures." Lookee here!

Distraught Americans gathered this morning outside the Wal-Mart closest to Hollywood, igniting piles of "J-Lo Has Bigger Tits Than Even Me" T-shirts in silent protest. "I don't know what I'll do," one woman said. "It's worse than when the president came back from his six-week vacation."

Sources close to the couple reported that Ms. Lopez had broken off the next photo session. Some said she was furious at Mr. Affleck for promising that at least one of them would be able to "act" soon for the first time in either one's career. On a special talk show soon after Gigli failed to draw a single viewer in the New York area, he admitted that they had been cutting a few corners till then. "But you watch us next time. We'll have a script and everything."

Said one of Ms. Lopez's close friends, "She was so upset. She didn't want anything to get in the way of their moment of pointless celebrity." The friend, who declined to reveal her name because her boyfriend always seem to beat her up when she has her photo taken holding a nickel bag, went on to express her strong support for the alleged singer and actress.

"She'd, like, never do that to us. She's just the girl from the block. She promised us—no jokes or anything, just like last time. It'll be so cool. She even said that a car will blow up every time they kiss."

Speaking through an interpreter, the couple strenuously denied the allegations. "Jen and I both still love me completely," Mr. Affleck was reported as saying.

Lawyers for the couple also denied any problems. "The delay is perfectly normal," noted a man in a really nice suit. "It is exactly like their marriage, which will proceed the moment they finish learning to print their names on the license. Bear in mind," he explained between Tall Ones, "Mr. Affleck has been used to signing his name with a wildly cursive X for a long time now. In the alphabet most often used in these important matters, the small f and l look a lot alike. I often get those wrong myself."

Pressed for comments, the Post called Hillary Clinton a monster.

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